It’s a sad point of contention when I have to say the things I remember most about my dad are beer and The Isley Brothers (I love the Isley’s – no disrespect). When my dad was around he would come home from work, grab a beer and turn on the radio. The quality time he spent, was with my brother playing video games (which may explain why I love video games). I can understand why my parents divorced. Even then, I was eight the last time I saw my dad as a child (I didn’t see him again until I was 16 or 17). My mom wanted so much more for her children, and my father, at the time, seemed to be content working, drinking, playing cards with his friends on the weekend and playing video games with my brother. When these things weren’t going on, he would be gone. For hours, for days and then for months and years. Gone.
As a twenty-something adult who witnessed the effect that my daddy issues had on my life, I wanted answers. I wanted to know why my dad never thought I was good enough to call. The hole in my heart had become a near abyss and I had nearly succumb to it. In a quest to move on with my life, I felt my dad owed me some answers. I would call him and question him and he would sometimes deny it, but we would always wind up arguing about it. Those calls would end with me angry, upset and calling my mom to cry. My mother helped me consider that maybe he doesn’t have the answers. She revealed to me that his father did his mother the same way. My dad had never known what he was doing was particularly wrong. We all haven’t calibrated our moral compasses the same.
At the time, I was working on forgiving my father and he married for the second time. In his marriage he took on another daughter and son. The same age my brother and I were when he left us. Slap in the face wasn’t the word for it. My fixation with his perceived taunt only served to delay my healing. Had I know then what I know now, I wouldn’t have let that affect me. I was the only one who saw it as an attack against me. He saw it as him moving on with his life, with or without me.
